At some juncture of our lives, we reach a point where it physically and mentally hurts when someone is good to us without any expectation in return. It could be a stranger or someone close to us. We fear it because their intention is nothing beyond an expression of goodwill. We cannot bear it because we do not feel deserving of it – to expect and accept. It stems from our deep-rooted belief that if we let it sink in and feel great, everything will inevitably go wrong, leaving us worse than before. Essentially, it is the baggage of our past. It is easier to believe that we are not to live a good life. It feels against nature to be respected.
There is a word in the English language
That I choose to not use
Because I know I cannot mean it when I say it
Alas, none of us could really
Yet, we find ourselves using it quite often
As though we have truly attained it
Or even felt it with no strings attached
Our usage of it is more aesthetical or hopeful
For we cannot mean what we do not know
And the progress of something is not the achievement of it
All of us are jam-packed and cramped with copious amounts of chores and burden. Be it emotional or physical. We are way too occupied. Especially due to the advancement in technology and our numerous social obligations.
As a result, we have forgotten to be grateful. I’m not talking about thanking God. Amongst us are theists, agnostics, atheists, etcetera. So, no, God is not what I mean. I am talking about you and me. About everyone and everything around us.
Oh, damn this day
Just damn this life
I’m sick of giving
And living in pain
I want you to imagine this – one day of your life. In a dark, never-ending dungeon. Let us start at midnight. I let you sleep for half an hour in the most uncomfortable bed with very little ventilation. When the half-hour is up, I punch you in the stomach, hard. For the next half hour, I let you go around doing whatever you want, but you have to carry with you a backpack filled with stones and gravel, while speakers around you scream all kinds of discouragements – “You’re not good enough” “Nobody gives a damn about you.” “You look ridiculous.” “They are laughing at you.” “You are fake.”. Sometimes all you hear is a loud, mind-crushing high-frequency sound. You scream back at those voices, but it doesn’t make any difference. You can try to ignore them, but you can still hear them, loud and clear. You want to say, “I don’t care. It’s okay.”. You want to let it go. But eventually, you get exhausted. Ultimately, it gets to you. When the half-hour is up, I punch you hard again and then let you sleep in the same uncomfortable bed with the least amount of ventilation. This goes on and on, till the end of the day.
At every stage of this pathetic life I live, to which I’m bound
Nary a soul ever once had or got the chance to let me down
For I found a way to let myself down, oh every single time
One way or another, never the right choice, isn’t that a crime
Walking in the wrong paths while looking in all the wrong directions
Picking the wrong sides in battles by making the wrong decisions
Never having truly learned from the mistakes of my past, I stall
From heading towards the route that shall cause my ultimate downfall
Deserted by my own doing, I shatter but manage to hide
A plastered smile helps to fool everyone of what exists inside
Hoping to delay, I glue myself to the rut of no return
The inevitable patiently mocks me wherever I turn
Considered a mere scared little being lost in a deep abyss
Whimpering to hold on to something in the nothing, I submiss
Defeated and crushed in a corner of the ground, I weep a flood
Perceiving the wasted tears mixing with pain in the form of blood
A painting on a canvas I recognize despite the distress
Acknowledge, validate and accept the art of a broken mess
Lost and forgotten, I crumble now that the demons have beaten
A distant memory, I shall soon fade into complete oblivion
I find a spot. I sit down and cross my legs. Leaning back, I hug myself. I close my eyes. Ignoring the world. Ignoring the pain. Ignoring everything. I breathe. And I wait.
Nothing. Nobody. No one asks me the single question that would show me that someone cares. Three simple words. With genuine concern. “Are you okay?”
Death, she opens her arms wide for me
Beckoning me to rest in her arms and sleep
Instilling me with a sense of calm and peace
She is not the scary woman who can’t be appeased
I seek solitude in the dark. I shut down the laptop, turn off the music, switch off the lights, sit on my bed, and seek comfort in the dark. Darkness has become a part of me. The nothingness reaches out to me, engulfing me into its darkest depths.
Sad, lonely and terrified
She tries to free herself from the shackles of her past, her blood, and the society.
Crawling, broken and exhausted
Never underestimate her as weak, hopeless, and defeated.